Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
