She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
