Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
