3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
