proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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