seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
