I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
