You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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