I just saw a hot homeless man
I accidentally burped into my bong.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
