The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you will always have a special place in my vag
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
