Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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