I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
