if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
