the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
