you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
