I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
