Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
