It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
