so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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