Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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