i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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