The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
