First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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