we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
