I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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