I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
it hurts more in the daytime
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
