cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
whose parrot is this?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
