Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
