Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
