i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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