What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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