she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
