My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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