DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
