my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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