I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
