Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize