My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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