Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize