this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
