i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
