on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
