I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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