Ketchup is God's man juice
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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