you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
false alarm, still single
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
