you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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