Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
