If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize