your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
