I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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