Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize