Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
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