I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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