i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
