sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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