if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Come share oat with me in your robe
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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