just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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