I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
