I can text with my tongue
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
