My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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