Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
