i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
